Good touch, bad touch and parenting
Have you seen those creative videos through which good touch and bad touch is explained to children, where it’s elucidated how boys and girls have private parts, which are not supposed to be touched by a stranger or even close ones except when someone is giving them a bath or for medical purposes.
I happened to stumble upon one of the Satyamev Jayate’s episodes where Aamir Khan is seen telling children about good touch and bad touch; he explains that children have 3 “danger zones”: chest, “bottom” and area between the legs. And nobody is supposed to touch these zones. The approach didn’t feel quite right but then Aamir Khan mentioned that a doctor has helped him to do that entire exercise; I quickly went on the internet and researched, found that most psychologists, NGOs, all use the same approach; you will usually see a shadow image of a human with three or four red lines/spots over the chest, buttocks, lips (sometimes) and area between the legs (like the attached image).
It’s indeed important for kids to know about good touch and bad touch. But I feel there are three issues with the above approach:
1. First, the kind of difference we create between “private” and “non-private” parts. Somehow, I feel that the message we’re giving to children is that private parts are the only parts that are “private”, which most definitely isn’t the case. Every part is private. And, sexual abuse is not limited to private parts. Someone touching you inappropriately anywhere is sexual abuse too. Human beings are intuitive and kids mostly can make a difference between a good touch and a bad touch, it’s just that they’re: (1) not confident what they feel is right; (2) don’t have the support to share it with parents/family. Therefore, while one can make a case for discussing certain body parts, kids need to understand that abuse is not limited only to those parts. And they need to be given confidence to believe in their instincts and share with their parent/family/others whenever they feel that something is not right. It may or may not classify as “abuse”, sharing is important.
2. Secondly and more importantly (because the first point is still acknowledged), I feel that there’s a problem with the kind of emphasis we put on private parts. When we tell a child that the “private parts” are “danger zones” and are not supposed to be touched, what if somebody does touch or exploit their private parts? We seem to acknowledge that kids need to be empowered to recognize the difference between good touch and bad touch; but our “empowerment” seems to stop there. Why? Would we wait for abuse to happen for further discussion?
It’s often heard that a girl is ready to die instead of being sexually abused or raped; will one do the same thing if they’re physically abused? Why have we created such a vast stigma for a certain kind of abuse then? Whether it’s physical, mental or sexual, it hurts us but why can we live with one (e.g. physical abuse) but not with another (sexual abuse)? I think we shouldn’t let that stigma get passed on to our children; it’s good to be vigilant to protect oneself against physical, mental and sexual abuse but the way we teach kids to rub off physical and other kinds of abuses and rise above, we need to do the same with sexual abuse as well (whereas many times kids end up blaming themselves). And for that we need to first question our own stigmatized worldview.
I believe children need to know how to deal with a bad injury, bad touch and eventually even rape otherwise most of the times the way we have organized this planet, children might end up blaming themselves. We ask everyone to keep a first aid kit and tell children what to do in case there’s a physical injury; we need to let children have that “first aid kit” in other kinds of abuses as well. As kids grow, we need to talk about rape, sexual abuse, and mental health. Right now, it seems, for every discussion, we keep waiting for something to happen.
3. Thirdly and most importantly (first and second still have a place), when we explain about the “danger zones”, I wonder how do kids start perceiving their “private part”? I think we need to question ourselves, what meaning do we attach to these “private parts”. The kind of stigma we attach with the good touch and bad touch of “private parts” is alarming.
Story: A close friend of mine’s upper garment “met with an accident” at a gathering and she was suddenly half naked in front of everyone. I was not there but she called me and shared that she felt very very embarrassed and believe it or not even spoke of committing suicide (I am assuming suicide was a casual mention but it was still a mention). I was astounded. My immediate question was: Why? Do people out there don’t know what you have behind those clothes? Like you, most girls have breasts, and people know it, then why you’re so afraid that people have seen it?
I can understand that the way society is organized, it is difficult to not feel embarrassed but our culture doesn’t make us so weak that that we’re thinking of dying. As a society, we might choose to wear clothes (there are cultures that don’t) for our own well being but doesn’t take away the fact that we can live without them. I emphasize on the fact that they don’t represent your “izzat” (assuming there’s something like that). Your “izzat” is your own and no one can take it from you practically. As adults, if we’re so much stigmatized about our body, then what about kids? And when we tell kids about their private parts as “danger zones” with big red (why only red though?) spots/lines, what meanings do they attach to them in the long term? We need to talk about these meanings as well.
PS: Next time, when you’re teaching your child about good touch and bad touch; tell them it’s their body and they need to believe in their gut/instincts; nobody is allowed to do anything which makes them uncomfortable (even if it’s just a blow of air i.e. no touch involved). While different cultures can have different meanings of touch and the context could vary, children need to be empowered to fight, share, evolve and put the blame in the right place. Keep the discussions going with them, help them ready their own first aid kit, build confidence in what meanings they give to their self and experience, and help them be a little more empathetic!
